Why do People Change after Marriage?

I always tend to here this from Husbands and Wives "You have changed so much after marriage" or "you are not same person whom I met before marriage". Well most of the times the statements are true and I keep wondering what is that about marriage which forces people to change.

So let's start by listing out the major changes that marriage brings in the lives of the couple and may be this information can lead to the causes for people transforming after marriage.

1. Sharing of living space

2. Sharing of money earned

3. Sharing of ambitions in life

4. Sharing of each other extended families

So basically what happens is instead having your own living space, money, goals and families, we have share all these with our partners after marriage.

But does sharing all these things really cause so much change in peoples behavior?

Do we really share everything with our spouse or we just give them access into our life with a lot of conditions attached?

Are we really and completely open minded that we allow our partners an unrestricted and no holds barred access to our life?

The answer is we are not.

In the Honeymoon period we are eager and excited to share each others space, love and opinions with an open mind. We tend to share all the good looking, sweet smelling aspects of ourselves initially with much enthusiasm, but as when the reserves of these sweet things gets exhausted we become confused. We start looking for more good stuff in our closet and after some time there will be nothing new to share. As time roles on all the things that where wonderful, sweet, cute and sexy in our partner tends to be taken for granted. It becomes a every day routine, it looses it's freshness and our partner looses their mystic.

With marriage there is no more need to impress each other as there is no more uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship. So we tend to take each other for granted and from this point on the game reaches the next stage.

Till now we have experienced the best the other person can offer, now it's time to make them give us what we want. When the relationship is new we accept our partners exactly as they were but when we start taking them for granted we expect them to be the way we want them to be. So we try to impose our image of a perfect wife/husband on our partners. We ask each other to dress in certain way, to talk in a certain way, to behave in a manner which we thing is appropriate. Whatever we thought was sexy in our partner before marriage tends to become boring and inappropriate, whatever we thought was adventurous behavior becomes silly and childish. Slowly we start to impose ourselves on each other and start changing each other into objects which fulfill over desires and fantasies.

Over time Husband and Wife looses their individuality and turn each other to mere objects. Wife becomes an object to fulfill husband's need of sex, she becomes a nanny, a babysitter, a caretaker and also a source of good income, she very rarely is treated as a beloved, a friend or as a lover. The is true for the husband also.

The two individuals who loved each other and decided to share each others lives, turn each other into mere objects. One day when we just pause and look, we realize that the person with whom I lived for so many years is not the same person whom I married. Then we ask him/her

"You have changed so much after marriage, you are not same person whom I met before marriage".

So why did our partner changed so much after marriage, because we wanted and forced them to.

JKS

What are My Wife's Expectations

After 4 years of marriage I keep asking myself this question a lot. What is it that my Wife wants from me.

In the first year the journey was unbelievably smooth. Believe it or not we never had an argument, there was not even a single skirmish. This spotless record lasted for a full 1 year until the newest member of our family entered into our lives. Our child was welcomed with great joy and love from the entire family.

We as a couple never had time to think about anything else other than our son. Things started to change when his late night and loud awakenings started. We got to know what the power of a crying baby really is, it was touching us at all levels. The stress and anxiety were boiling to a peak and his consistent late night timing was adding fuel to the fire. It took a toll on us and more so on my wife. As she was the one who was with him 24/7 the impact was very high on her.

This was the situation in which our first arguments started. She used to get angry no matter what I did or not do. I was immature and was doing my best to add further heat to the situation, instead of understanding her situation I was more interested in defending myself and pointing fingers at her. The situation got worse day by day and one day it peaked to a point of almost a total breakdown, were we felt as if talking to each other was a total waste of time.

That night I was forced to reflect on what has happened and how can an absolute joyful relationship can turn into a hopeless one in a matter of few months. I made the usual excuse of our child playing the part in this whole scenario but on further contemplation I realized that he might have been the trigger point, the matchstick but the actual fuel was inside both of us. I thought of a lot of reasons for why this deterioration of the relationship should happen and the end of it I could not get any answers. Finally I decided that, it's me who have to take the responsibility and analyse what makes me and my wife get angry on each other and what exactly do we expect from each other.

I started to work on my patience and started observing her behavior a lot. After almost three years of observation and study I think I have made a cut  and am able take a peek into her mind.

These are the things I was able to derive what she expects from me.

1. Complete wholehearted attention

Talking to her while watching TV or working on the computer makes her go mad. She wants me to be with her both physically and mentally even if it is for a short period. This I learnt the hard way after facing her wrath on many occasions.

2. Spend quality time with her and my son

She expects me to be with her and play with my son everyday. She doesn't care on how much time I spend with her, but on how much I was involved with her. It's the quality and not quantity that matters here.

3. Do not compare

This is a no brainer. Nobody likes to be compared with anybody else, it's the same with her.

4. Do not tell her how to do things

She likes her style of doing things and doesn't like me interfering in her work. The rule is not to give advice unless and until it is asked for.

5. Don't discourage her

She expects me to support her in whatever she does. But I have other opinions, the least she expects is not to discourage her. So I just let her know that I am not supporting her in that scenario and I just let her go ahead in whatever she wants to do. Sometime she fails, when it happens I make sure I am there for her move on. We don'y like to talk much on each others failures. We just move on.

These expectations looks simple on paper but takes a lot determination to follow in real life. Most of the time my ego and my instinct of belittling her take over and I falter. By day by day things are improving and peace is settling in the relationship.

Our relationship is not perfect but I am sure that by understanding my wife's expectations of me I can avoid the bumps and path-holes of our lives and make the journey a lot more joyful, happier and enjoyable.

JKS